Tonight I will be going to bed 49 and tomorrow I will wake up 50 years old. For me that thought has never, ever been a bad thing, I have not thought of it, screeched with horror and pre-booked Botox and a bottle of formaldyhde at the local museum.
I have for many many years, looked forward to turning 50. I have lived a very interesting and somewhat colourful life, including at times a reckless youth. To me personally, 50 is a bit of a milestone., the start of a time in my life where, I could look back on my life and go yes, I did this thing, or that. A time where I could look at my achievements, mistakes and regrets and accept them for what they were, and use those experiences to build upon them emotionally and spiritually, and a time also to relax more as my children are now independent adults (28 and 29) -
This time of my life is where I thought I could start to focus a little more on me, and what I want to do with the last 30 years or so of my life, I had been excited about approaching this time in my life, yet tonight I am sitting here feeling like I have been for the last month ... feeling a little ripped of, as harsh as that sounds. And yes, then feeling guilty because I feel like this.
Perhaps I am having a wee pity party, because I am not getting what I think I want or need, nor do I know how to get what I think I want or need at the moment.. I had my children by choice in my early 20's so by this time of my life I would have my "independence" so to speak, then one morning 2 years ago I became step mother to, two emotionally challenged children aged then 10 and 13, with no idea it was going to happen. I willingly gave these children what I could and what they needed, not because I had to but because I really wanted to, perhaps selfishly now I feel like at times I have been pushing poo up hill with a big pointy stick. I think perhaps if these young ones had come to us before some of the negative behaviors and character traits had developed things could feel a little different in our home at times. Don't get me wrong, I love these kids and I will keep on doing what I have been doing.
I had also planned to arrange a "coming of age ceremony" with someone in WA.. then we moved here, where I know no one to help with this... I could write a wee ceremony for myself, but to be honest, I feel that side of me is in some sort of weird hiatus, covered in the dross of everyday stuff. I have recently registered my own business, something I have been wanting to do for a few years, now I wake up in the morning thingking "what the hell stupid thing have you done" Life has been a real challenge since we got here, I have been trying to get a rhythm back but it has been lacking, the simplest thing seems bigger than Ben Hurr, I am tired and emotionally drained lately.. I know this post has come out as a bit of a whining session, may it is, may it isn't.. but I thought I would feel different than I do tonight. Tomorrow will come, one way or another as will 50 - perhaps I will be able to work through all off this and I will look back on this post and have a good old giggle.
Sarah my oldest child, said something to me today, that was very special..She said one day, the younger kids will realize, what they have here is something pretty special.. she likened it to the cookies I was baking..
"Homemade cookies in the cookie jar are priceless..you can't buy that love. You can not pay someone to come along and bake a batch of cookies like that.."