Feb 25, 2009

Can you hear it...

Shhhhhhhhhsh.. Listen.. can you hear it? No? nor can I *smiles* isn't it grand. The house is silent, oh I have missed that.. sounds a tiny bit selfish but I do miss the quiet times, when there is no one here but me and my wee dog... It feels restful, something I have not been getting enough of, over the last month or so.
I bit the bullet yesterday and rung the Woman's Health Service and after speaking to someone for assessment they decided to see me today, so off I went to counselling.. Why? Well I do not feel I have been coping all that well over the last 18 months, starting with my surgically induced menopause (and my decision last November not to continue with HRT) ..
To be honest at times lately my self-esteem and confidence has bottomed out, I feel a little overwhelmed and angry I guess, at the fact my life as I knew it, the dreams and aspirations I/we had as a couple have had to go by the by for the next 7 or 8 years perhaps longer.. No I do not blame the children and I would have them no where else than with us.. and while I know guilt is a wasted emotion, at times that is what I feel for feeling this sense of loss when they have lost their Mum.
I was stared toward the Woman's Health Service via the Navy surprisingly, and it could not have worked out better..
This councellor asked if I blogged and this surprised me, then a lot she said really did in a good way, she suggested I share my feelings more and expressed how I felt here in a more open manner..heck I am not sure you all could handle that..lol.. But this beautiful Crone really understood, after telling me she thought that I do not give myself enough love or compassion..
replied to me when I said to her "I was looking forward to the new beginnings age brings but feel I have lost that now" her reply was "I can feel the sadness - that you feel at the thought of having been pulled back from the journey you were beginning into the Wintertime of your life and being hijacked into Motherhood again.. " when she said this I near choked. She then asked if I had a spiritual side.. when I told her that I was a Pagan and followed a Goddess path, she smiled as she cupped her own face as if it was mine and quietly told me, "Honour yourself, remember the beautiful Crone you are becoming" She told me to use it as an affirmation..and I think I might stick it on my bathroom mirror for my *fat and blah days* she did suggest I read "The woman who runs with Wolves" so that is on my to read list.
Oh Goddess, Bless this woman for her wisdom and encouragement to me this day - and I thank you for allowing her into my life this day.


Eileen said...

I think you are very lucky to have followed your intuition to seek someone to talk with -sounds to me like you found a good match. It takes a lot of courage to recognize that things are just not as good as they should be and then do something about it.

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