Sep 13, 2010

What I know and what I don't.

When I went to the naturopath a month ago, she asked me questions about my health and my "well being" and by my answers, I really had to acknowledge what I think I already new deep down and that was I was really feeling spiritually bankrupt and unconnected, a bitter pill to swallow really. I let it go to a point, but in the last few days I have read blog posts that are gently reminding me.
All of my life I have had a very strong sense of the spiritual energies about me and I have always had a close connection to my deities be it through prayer, lighting a candle, burning herbs, offering thanks before a meal, with drum and song or through the feel of a breeze on my skin, the sun on my face or the feel of the bark of a tree beneath my fingers or damp grass under my feet, making a meal with love and tending my hearth, sometimes the joy of it all is there, but in such a disjointed way it really saddens me. 
I read back over the early entries of my blog and I could clearly see and feel the sweet connection to life and deity. I don't know when the emptiness became obvious to me, I don't know when my spiritual life became such a struggle and I don't know when I got to be feeling so incredible spiritually and emotionally tired. 
I know that the last 20 months have been some of the hardest I have ever made it through and I/we are still having to deal with an 'in the past' person who I would never associate with under normal circumstances and who takes manipulation, negativity and nastiness to a whole new level and I am not being melodramatic about this and at the risk of sounding 'self righteous' both my husband and I have totally rearranged and changed our lives to encompass our new family - two lovely kids who had been through so much and also lacked so much both socially and emotionally. 
We have sympathized, encouraged, councilled, persevered - we have tried to instill self worth, self confidence, values, good manners and habits, house rules and boundaries into these two young people all the while doing it with firmness and compassion AND lots of love and cuddles. 
I wouldn't change having them here in a minute, and while we still have to go over somethings repeatedly to help them with coming to terms with their life before us, I wouldn't have it any other way. What I do know is that I am hard on myself.. and even though I know we have given so much and done this pretty tough, also knowing  we have also done this on our own with next to no support, really doesn't cut it with me. I still keep thinking I should cope better with my lot, that I should be able to cope 24/7 and that I shouldn't feel so worn out from it. I see this as a form of failure.

Where this piece of unrealistic garbage came from I have no idea, nor do I know how, why or when it became my truth - but I do know it has led to my feelings of spiritual melancholy.
What I need to learn is how to fix it and how to hear the voice within me, who is so quiet at the moment it is barely a whisper. Little steps I think...


Mother's Moon's Message said...

you have the right attitude and approach that is for sure. Recognizing the issue in front of you and how it effects you is half of the battle if not more.

Sending you blessings an warm wishes in your journey. not only to you but also to you family... They are most fortunate to have you as their mother, wife, and friend..

PS: a message indeed, the verification word was joyful

Sue, Joe and Michael Webber said...

Aww Wendy ♥ You can't be strong all of the time, it's just not possible. This is a moment in your life that your body is telling you so. Accept that and that's half the battle won. Then like you've said already, small steps and you'll soon find your way back.♥

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